The following post is rated MA, it may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content and/or strong languageSeveral movie/book quotes (some modified) have been used within this post.
For GingerThe Arrest and Confession of Tatum Riley (Victims names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty)
[Deputy Dewey has arrested a suspect in a brutal murder, the interrogation begins]
Deputy Dewey: You look like hell.
Tatum: Yea, I just got back.
Deputy Dewey: Why do you kill?
Tatum: Ummmm, hobby....I guess.
Deputy Dewey: How do you kill?
Tatum: I usually cut your throat or slash you to ribbons. I don't believe in guns.
Deputy Dewey: Why did you chose Fuckey McFuckface?
Tatum: He was home.
Deputy Dewey: What did you expect from this encounter.
Tatum: Blood, lots of it.
Deputy Dewey: Give me your first impression of Fuckey McFuckface.
Tatum: A pathetic metrosexual action figure with a plastic personality. He was wearing goth Lederhosen and bragged about having a five hundred dollar Dolce and Gabbana T shirt. What kind of fucking t shirt costs three hundred dollars, was it made of Merino sheep foreskins and butterfly wings?
Tatum: Fuckey McFuckface said he masturbated at least 5 times a day, the cool kids call that podcasting. Every time he asked his Alexa a question it would tell him to fuck off. He believed as many as six impossible things about himself each day.
Deputy Dewey: Curiouser and curiouser.
Tatum: He fed his dog cheap ass food he bought at the dollar store, and they call me a monster.
Deputy Dewey: So you eventually went to his bedroom, tell us how that went.
Tatum: A disappointments room would be a better term for this section of the house. He had no bed, just a mattress in the middle of the floor. And not a clean mattress but a disgusting one you would find propped up against a telephone pole. I guess he thought it was the find of the century because he rescued it before the rats could carry it off to the sewer.
Deputy Dewey: Did he ask for sex next?
Tatum: No, he asked me if I wanted to watch him play Fortnite, "Fuck no", I said.
Tatum: He then started rambling about fleshlights, whatever that is. He seemed to climax several times as he continued to talk about himself in 3rd person. Finally I just screamed at him to take off his clothes, which he eagerly did. I remained clothed and just stared at him with murderous intent. He was making more bad choices than a blonde bimbo in a horror movie.
Deputy Dewey: So did he have monster cock?
Tatum: No, his penis was beyond small, minuscule would be more apropos. It was like an optical illusion, from certain angles it appeared to not even exist.
Deputy Dewey: What happened next?
Tatum: I pretended to be checking him out and walked behind him. I asked, "Do you know what I want?", he said "Fuck like minks, raise rugrats and live happily ever after", "No" I replied, " I want your blood all over me" then I grabbed his gaming laptop and smashed it over his head and was greeted by a satisfying thud followed by a gushing head wound. I shouted "It's Game over man, game over!".
Tatum: He was dazed, tears falling from his eyes. The first knife stab was quick and fast, I danced around his body..stab, stabby, stab, stab. Countless spurts of blood coated the walls, it was an improvement from his gaudy wallpaper. The sanguine torrent fell like rain. His blood was really warm, it’s like drinking hot chocolate but with more screaming.
Deputy Dewey: Did he say anything during all this?
Tatum: "Ughhh arghhh ugghhhh!!
Deputy Dewey: How did it end
Tatum: Two quick slashes to his achilles tendon, a dainty <poke> to his back and BAM, bitch went down, nose went crunch, two..no three teeth skittered across the floor, I turned him onto his back and said, "The last thing you're ever going to see is me, Tatum Riley, smiling down at you as you die". Then I slit his throat.
Deputy Dewey: Did you attempt to throw off the police?
Tatum: Yes , I took the broken Fuckey McFuckface mug pieces I stole from Vitriol's trash and placed them around the body so that the police would think he was a victim of his own faulty coffee mugs. Fuckey McFuckface sold 18 fucking coffee mugs, did you know that?
Deputy Dewey: Now that is a fucking crime!! Continue please.
Tatum: There was so much blood, or was it. I licked my fingers, corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in "Carrie." I knew it, this guy was fake as hell. I kicked his prone body and it made a sound like a dog squeak toy. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Deputy Dewey: I blame it all on you watching too many horror movies.
Tatum: Don't you blame the movies; movies don't create psychos, movies make psychos more creative! And besides we all go a little mad sometimes. It was self defense, he attacked me with the sharp end of a juice box and I fought back. I am the final girl, the vestibule virgin, the only one left to tell the story. Give me a "I killed Fuckey McFuckface and all i got was this lousy shirt" and let me walk out of here.
Deputy Dewey: I don't know if I can do that.
Tatum: Then how about I just gut you like a fish.
Deputy Dewey: If I weren’t about to shit in my pants right now, I’d be fuckin turned on.
Tatum: Fuck you!
Deputy Dewey: Ohhhhh, sounds fun.
Tatum: Deputy Dewey, so what if I'm crazy, the best people are. I am going to walk out of here and their is nothing you can do about it.
Deputy Dewey: HEY, HEY, I am the dam deputy of Woodsboro and I have a duty to stop you fro.......
Tatum: <Lunges and places a knife to Deputy Dewey's throat> Mind if I lick your face Deputy, men taste so much better when they're afraid. <pouting> Why are you closing your eyes, you don't want to see my knife up close? Before the stabs, before the goring of your soft parts that will bring oblivion. The sight of my lips, curling back in a smile, my shudder of excitement, your blood splattering my face, you falling to the floor, 2 hearts beating faster, faster, until one of them stops.
Deputy Dewey: Holy shit, I can't feel my nipples! You are scarier than a children's birthday party clown.
Tatum: So can we consider this situation fucking handled?
Deputy Dewey: You are free to go.
Tatum: Groovy!
Epilogue (one hour later)Deputy Dewey: [Yelling] Would you care to explain how broken pieces of a Fuckey McFuckface coffee mug, with your fingerprints all over it, ended up at my crime scene?
Vitriol: WHAT!!!
Deputy Dewey: You actually bought a Fuckey McFuckface Coffee mug? Are you fucking retarded?
Vitriol: What???
Deputy Dewey: Did I just stutter? Do you speak Engrish?
Vitriol: What?
Deputy Dewey: Engrish mudda fucka, dew yew speaky tits?
Vitriol: I ummm.....
Deputy Dewey: Can your girlfriend confirm an alibi?
Vitriol: I don't even have a girlfriend.
Deputy: That's because I am your girlfriend now, bitch! You know why I never scream when we have sex?
Vitriol: I don't know how to answer that.
Deputy Dewey: It's because you never give me something to scream about.
Vitriol: This line of questioning is making me very uncomfortable.
Deputy Dewey: I wanna shake you naked and eat you alive, now get your ass on the desk and prepare for the fuck of your life. They are going to need the jaws of life to remove your balls from my mouth, my tongue is going to be like Lewis and Clark and explore every inch of your ass.
Vitriol: <speechless>
Deputy Dewey:<dancing> I'm Mister Soda pop, licka, licka my lips, Hit me with your sweet love, steal me with a kiss. Candy bear, sweetie pie, I wanna be adored, spank me, whip me, treat me like a whore. Did you cast a spell on me, are you a witch, doesn't really matter cause I'm gonna be your bubblegum bitch!!!!
Vitriol: <stands up> What the fuck is going on here?
?
Deputy Dewey: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I am just messing with you. We wrapped up this case an hour ago. It appears Fuckey McFuckface was a rogue sex doll that somehow went crazy. Remember those Chuckey dolls that started killing people and they had to recall them?
Vitriol: Umm that was only a movie.
Deputy Dewey: That's what the deep state wants you to believe. Anyway you may go Vitriol, and thank you for your service in Vietnam.
I get this ache... And I, I thought it was for sex, but it's to tear everything to fucking pieces. Ginger Snaps (2000)