Since Poofer's dropping the ball and I don't feel like doing a podcast, I'll don the BG oven mitts and deign to summarize the past week's goings-on without straining too many of your already limited errant mental faculties. You're welcome.
The first item of news is that several male members of The Stomping Groundz (yours truly excluded of course) have been waking up this holiday season with their balls missing, and have tried to deal with the sudden change in the form of complaining about their posts being moved or that the women here are too savage. Reaper is over at Flame Truth whining, and let's be frank here... that's pretty much all he ever does, or ever will do. It's his business. Crying. Crying is his business, and business is good. Does anyone here ever remember a time when Weepy wasn't weeping? It's probably what got him the nickname in the first place. I'm only half convinced that the high-pitched voice with which he mocked Poofer is his real voice because he has no nads, and the lower pitched one is something he fished out of some freeware modulation software... because I can seriously hear this guy whining at a childlike-level of pitch like Alvin and the Chipmunks slowed down and raised in a ditch outside London. Freud's whined about it too, and so has Poofer. And what do all these mysterious cases of testicle shriveling have in common? Some power flamer from ages past come to wreak havoc on Flea's forum? A new devious troll from the depths of the roast community that took things too far and bruised a lot of egos?
Yeah. No. It's fucking Peaches. Doy!!!
For all the signs that show me that Peaches is absolutely no one to fear, he sure gets a lot of play in people's heads, cackling all the way as he does the unthinkable: moving posts where they belong and generally just existing. My oh fucking my, what will this unenviable miscreant concoct next with which to torment the masses?
Either way, I'm sending a special e-card to each and every emasculated poster who has lost their manly pride. May it find you on the gentle wings of a dove. You idiots.
Next up: Poofer is missing. Why? Did he get his head stuck in the monkey bars at the local park while playing Lord of the Rings with the 7-year-olds? Did he get caught stealing the life-size Ryan Renolds standee at Gamestop? Who knows? Who fucking cares? It's just as likely he got sick of Peaches existing (see above) and took his ball and went home. I just want my Martinis in the morning so I can move my bowels. If that's not too much to ask?
Newcomer Emily Autumn... Emily October... Emily something is really popular with the ladies, but mostly Flea. The latter has gone on record as saying that no one currently posting at the Battle Groundz matches "her" in ferocity and brutality. But I say, don't forget to turn off your flame generators when you're not using them. Public service announcement there.
Oh yeah, and Brent tried to get my attention again or something.
You're all caught up.