Chapter 4
by Uterus on Toast
....the stirring sounds of a 1000 kazoo orchestra were heard, and opening credits began to roll....
Part IV - A New Grope
Long ago in a galaxy far away, Yoyo was dreaming wet and sticky dreams. Hordes of Klingons had infested his arse hairs and were using his shrivelled testicles for target practice, while no less than three Borg spheres were involved in a vain attempt to ass-immolate the Yomosexual's infected rectum. Yoyo giggled in his sleep as the conquerors rolled about in his glory hole like a trio of galactic beng-wah balls and was nearing a shuddering climax when a particularly ugly Klingon sank his teeth into Yoyo's scrotum. A sickening feeling feeling in his gut jerked Yoyo back to reality to discover space and time had folded yet again and he had crapped the equivalent of a planet-sized swamp out of his shitter. He was once more, quite alone.
"Aww, shit", sniffed Yoyo.
Shit indeed. As the yomosexual surveyed his foetid surroundings, he realised he was standing in a crappy quagmire of his own making. He suspected as much for not only had he suddenly lost a lot of weight, but he could see condoms and empty crisco bottles everywhere. In the distance, families of hamsters and gerbils he recognised from long ago were eyeing him warily lest he try a little anal insertion, while nearby a chipmunk he had used in a felching session on his last trip to Disneyland was amusing itself by scooping up turd patties and hurling them at him with unerring aim.
Yoyo also realised he was coated from head to toe in sloppy green shit.
"Worse it gets", he trilled in his delirium of madness, forgetting every grammatical rule ever fucked into him at grade school. "A man I want, Man I need, yes?"
"Splut". A particularly smelly hunk of Yomodung hit poor Yoyo square between the eyes. The chipmunk chattered and ran off. Suddenly, a fierce roar was heard from above. Yoyo, being as he was for the first time in his life completely void of shit, wet himself instead. What if that was the evil beast who had stalked him unseen though all his adventures making this dreadful noise? What would poor Yoyo do? What he always did in such situations of course. He cowered in abject fear while the roar increased in volume.
A large pink Bow-Tie fighter rocketed through the mists and crashed into the swamp, deluging Yoyo in more green shit and knocking him forcibly back into a pile of well used condoms. The roar stopped, bringing a sullen silence to the world, broken only by the sounds of sewerage gently lapping at Yoyo's feet. Suddenly, the half submerged fighter beeped out the chorus to "In The Navy" and a hatch on its side sprang open. Out pranced the most delectable sight Yomo had seen all day, clad in a sequined leather g-string and wielding an inflatable cocksaber festooned with twinkling christmas lights. Yoyo's breath was quite taken away (yes, he'd forgotten to breathe again). In imminent danger of asphyxiation, some warning signal deep in Yoyo's mind brought his attention back to basic survival skills. His choking and spluttering alerted the interloper to his presence.
"Hi", it said. "My name is Shittalker. What's yours you sexy beast?"
Yoyo couldn't believe his good fortune, or the size of Shittalker's cocksaber either for that matter. He coughed up a hunk of shit from off his cleft palette and spoke.
"Jedi master am I, yes. Make you strong and powerful I will, hmmm?"
"Sounds good", said Shittalker. "Will there be nookie?"
"Silly young Shittalker" giggled Yoyo, "What think you I mean? Nookie you want, Nookie you have, I think, yes?" as an R2D2 unit launched itself out of the fighter's hatch headfirst into the swamp, beeping angrily as it went. Shittalker minced over to Yoyo undoing his g-string as he advanced, but stopped short when he caught the pungent aroma wafting from the yomosexual fuckmuppet.
"You smell" he lisped.
"Smell bad I do, yes. Much better I bend over, young Shittalker" said Yoyo, seeing his chance slipping away like fresh turds down his calves after a particularly nasty curry.
"No, I don't think so" said Shittalker backing into the R2D2 unit which had since re-emerged from the swamp and was trundling about looking for a vantage point from which to hurl itself back in. "But Adam here will do the honours, wont you Adam?"
The R2D2 unit swivelled to look at Yoyo and various phallic appendages sprang from its flank, twirled rapidly and retreated with a loud clang. It's beeps and whistles adopted an alarmed undertone as it reversed back into the swamp with an evil "splut". Yoyo, mildly alarmed at the prospect of yet another day without sex, was nonetheless intrigued with the R2D2 unit (or more accurately its appendages, many of which surpassed his wildest crisco lubricated fantasies).
Shittalker noted Yoyo's interest. "Thats Adam, my state of the art R2D2 unit" he said, "equipped with internet capability and all the latest in marital aids".
Yoyo drooled. He didn't know what an internet capability was, but if it was anything like the bewildering array of dildoes and vibrators he'd just seen, he wanted a piece of it. A BIG piece. Repeatedly.
Shittalker, noticing Yoyo's interest in the R2D2 unit which was even now emerging warily from the swamp, seized his chance and made good his escape. Skipping down the path, inflatable cocksabre at the ready (just in case he bumped into any more yomosexuals) he suddenly stopped short as the sounds of flutes and mandolins assailed his earlobes.
"That's pretty" he breathed.
"Can you feel my gums, Tardmongooooo" sang an as yet unseen bard. "Can you feel them wrapped around your manmeat sucking you to meeeee...."
Shittalker was entranced. Anything who sang that well couldn't be evil, right? Adjusting his g-string and putting fresh batteries in his cocksaber, he pranced down the path, his anus tingling with anticipation as the singing grew louder.
"I was cumming in your hair last night, your hole was tight, Tardmongooooooo....."
The sound was closer now. Rounding a corner in the path Shittalker spied a man sporting a dirty sanchez and baseball cap with a small bulge in his hot pants deejaying to a party of sockpuppets. The sockpuppets themselves lay on the ground immobile as most normal sockpuppets do. In fact, had sockpuppets been imbued with mobility, these ones would have assuredly been hobbling off in search of seamstresses and washing machines. Some were more hole than sock, and all were starched beyond belief. Shittalker only had eyes for the deejay, who was currently segueing from one Abba song to the next.
"Ring, Ring, give me the juice of your nut" sang the deejay, his hand slipping into his shorts and tugging wildly at its meagre contents. "Ring, Ring, pound my bum like I'm a slut" he continued before he noticed Shittalker tugging on his nipple tassels.
"Oh hi", he said, tugging a crusty sockpuppet from his pants and tossing it on the pile. "I'm Analin Vader".
"Hi" said Shittalker. "Will you be my friend?"
"Sure thing" said Analin as he felt up Shittalker's crotch. "Where do you want it?"
"Right here will do fine" said Shittalker, undoing his g-string and draping himself provocatively across the mixing desk. Analin Vader grunted as he forced his two inches of erect throbbing manmeat between Shittalker's quivering thighs and went for the reacharound, smacking Shittalker's oblong head about with a penis-shaped microphone.
"Oh yeah" barked Analin. "Feel the power of the Dork Side. Who's your Daddy? WHO'S YOUR DADDY???"
Meanwhile back in the swamp, the ever hopeful Yoyo was putting the moves on Adam who had re-emerged from the swamp innumerable times, only to hurl itself back in at vain attempts of suicide. No matter how much Yoyo pleaded, the recalcitrant R2D2 unit with the vibrating attatchments seemed to prefer the repidly congealing fecal matter to Yoyo's ample shitter. Which was not after all so surprising, as the yomosexual fuckmuppet was at this point cutting a particularly terrifying figure, a wildly slavering hairy turd on legs with an ever growing army of flies in attendance. Not even a mother could love it.
Finally, exhausted, Yoyo sat down and began to weep. Oklahoma City had never looked so good - at least it had plenty of drunken men and a fire hydrant on each street corner. Yoyo would have done just about anything for 5 minutes with a fire hydrant to fill his crack with. "Even sleep with a woman" blubbed the abject yomosexual, as behind him Adam finally slammed into a particularly solid and evil smelling turd and fell forever silent.
Will Yoyo forsake the primitive swamps for the fresh fields of Endor for tea, crumpets and Nookie with the lovable Ewoks, or will he merely be transported to midwestern america to be digitally pack-raped by the glowing fingers of an army of stranded ET's hell bent on dialling home on his ring? Will Shittalker discover Analin Vader is indeed his father and turn to the Dork Side? Will ANY of us be able to contain ourselves for the next extremely gay instalment of "Yoyo - Lord of the Ringpiece"
Tune in next week and find out...